The Eyes Of The Ranger

Web Producer: Jason Bailey

First, thanks for taking the time to read this. One the greatest things you can do, is give a crazy-person a captive audience.

I'm not crazy, but Walker , Texas Ranger is; and if you think that Chuck Norris’ television persona is a character on your Uncle Cecil’s RCA console T.V., you need to move out of that basement and give up on the band. They won't make it.

Chuck delivers a roundhouse to yo mouf, like Van Damme used to before he was tricked into duplicating every one of his movies, post-'Double Impact.' Chuck brings it from the heart.

He salutes the American Flag with his blue eyes, red hair, and lily-white, freshly fallen snow-like skin, and when he kicks @ss, you want to get up and hum the national anthem.

I couldn't believe that the show, Walker : Texas Ranger, was not headlining a local network. I was just as surprised as you are to find that another American hero had fallen victim to shows that base their entire success on the millions of veiwers it reaches.

Boulderdash, horse-hockey, and shame on the networks for not giving the 'red-headed mangler' his due.

I couldn't allow visitors to take time from their busy schedules to view a site that didn't give this man, who some have dubbed the "last old-fashioned hero of the West," the respect he has earned one great line after another.

But, don't crown me with this discovery of this wonder-titan of martial arts and home training equipment. One before me celebrated this action-drama-syndicated-morally-fervent-staunch-black-belt-super-starburst-of-man-meat.

Brother Conan spreads the truth. And the truth wears size 11-and-a-half alligator-and-snake-skin cowboy boots, with matching marsupial-and-rawhide trench coat.

Chuck and Walker are just that, however I would conjecture the two of them share the same body in another dimension, where David Hasselhoff is featured on Nelly's new album: Errwherrr! Wait, I have that album.

I'll review it sometime soon.

They are not distinct; how do you know you aren't watching Walker when you see "Chuck" and Ms. Brinkley help validate your poor decision to stay at home instead of going out, while convincing many people they can get an effective workout from sliding back and forth.

How do you he isn't doing everything he can to keep from side-kicking the guy that looks like a non-speaking henchman on 'Texas Ranger, who happens to be a "concerned person" who wants to learn more about the Friction Glide or Abdominal-Incline-Hole-In-The-Wallet.

My question though: can Walker beat Chuck Wagon’s butt? Answer: Yes. Chuck hasn't been the same since he didn't get the part of “Adult Danny Bonaduce” in the E! True Hollywood Story of Emmanuel Lewis: Diary of A Powder-keg.

'Red Beard' would bounce back, beating down Nash Bridges every Friday night at 8, 7-central.

Now, he brings it every night on the prestigious and morality-conscious Hallmark Channel, the source of my Walker fix, and his daily words for everyday life.

This brings me to the denouement of my soliloquious(<not a real word) declaration of fawned, strictly platonic, romance with Walker , Texas Chuck.

In the time I wrote this, I could've saved five baby seals. Don't eat baby seals, save 'em.